Friday, June 18, 2010

Life goes on…..

….and sometimes it feels as though it is happening without me and I am left behind. I had dinner tonight with my ex-boyfriend and I found out that he and his wife are expecting a baby girl to be born in August.

As I lay here tonight I find myself very sad. It is not that I miss him or anything like that. We dated for five years and though we loved each other and genuinely enjoyed being together we knew we were not meant to spend of lives together and we ended it on good terms and have become friends. I am so happy that he found someone that he was meant to be with and I am very excited about their news.

I just feel as though his wife is living the life that I wanted, but not in a jealous way at all. Before cancer I dreamed about meeting someone that I would spend the rest of my life with. I am not sure if I ever wanted kids, but cancer took that decision away from me right along with the opportunity to be with someone for the rest of my life.

This week I went to a young adult support group and the topic was about sexuality and relationships in the context of the young adult cancer survivor. It was a good discussion, but I left with the understanding that a relationship and sex is not an option for me. We talked about when is the right time to disclose that you have or had cancer. There were some great suggestions, but I don’t feel like they apply to me. How do you tell someone that you are interested in that you have advanced incurable cancer that is spread throughout my body, that I have no job, can’t drive, and live with my parents and I have no idea how long I will live. Of course this conversation would happen after I met someone that can overlook how much weight I have gained due to having cancer and that I walk with a cane. I know that live in a dream world sometimes, but get real people; something this farfetched does not even happen in my dreams.

This is just another example of how much cancer has ripped from my life. Just another loss that I will work through.

I have been feeling like shit lately. May was a busy month and I think I overdid it. I am glad I went to camp and also to the church retreat, but with those trips on top of my sister and her family in town I now seem to be paying the consequences. I have not written a blog in a while. There are several reasons why, including my busy schedule over the last month, but in the beginning it was because I was sleeping pretty good and my usual writing time occurs when I can’t sleep. Unfortunately I can no longer give the same reason. I have not been sleeping well over the past two weeks, but I have felt so poorly that I did not have the energy to write. I mostly just laid in bed whimpering until exhaustion took over.

Last night I had another one of my coughing fits that seems to become more frequent of late. After coughing so much I was sure I had coughed up a lung, I stopped coughing long enough to vomit. After feeling physically spent I dragged myself back to bed and curled up into a fetal position and cried. Finally around 4am my body gave in and allowed me to sleep. When I awoke I at felt a little rested, but was just worn out. I took it easy until my doctor appointment this afternoon and when I got home all I wanted to do was curl back into the ball on my bed. However, I had plans to meet my ex-boyfriend and did not want to cancel on him two weeks in a row.

He commented that I looking like I was doing well and he was surprised by how much energy I had. What he does not know was that I was snoozing on the couch up until the moment he picked me up and immediately upon return home I took a nap. There is something that provides energy when I really want to do something. I call it being “on”. No matter how I am feeling, if I need to be “on” I somehow find the energy and am usually good for about two hours before I start to crash. I think part of the reason I am able to find energy to do something I really want is because I am so determine to live life on my own terms and to be able to enjoy my time with people. I do not spend too much time with my friends and when I do I want it to be good, so I push away how I feel and concentrate on enjoying it. This does not always work and when it does however I was feeling beforehand comes at me ten-fold, but it is usually worth it.

Now that I have been able to let out my feelings, I hope this horrific headache will go away and I can get some sleep.


Marcia Banta said...

viJust want you to know you aren't shouting into the wilderness...there are others out here who hear you and wish fervently for the best for you.

Joan said...

Hi, Allison -
It's not fair that you feel so horrible - both physically and emotionally. We've been close enough to you to know that's the way it is these days. We also see how hard you try to keep living life on your own terms - and that you meet that challenge not only for yourself, but for all of us, too. You are part of our lives when you're with us, and when you're not. We marvel at how you bend over backwards to make our moments together memorable, and we think about you and pray for you all those endless days in between, when we know how hard it is for you to just 'be'. We are glad you include us in every part of your life, as you make a very big difference in our lives - your whole 'package' - it's knowing about your struggles that make our moments together all the more sweeter. It's letting us help you when you need help - even if it's just to listen when you need us to hear you - that keeps us part of YOUR life - not ours - not some old boyfriend or his new girlfriend - it's YOUR life that we value - every part of it. Big hugs - J&W.

Adelina and Dori said...

I wish I could say that I know how you feel. I can only make some loose connections to your feelings and emotions.

You're unbelievable. You are so stubborn it's awesome. Keep living your life on your own terms. Don't let anyone tell you what to do or not to do. They have no say in your life, you do.

I admire you so much. You have so much strength in you, Alli. Sure, you have your down days, but who the hell doesn't? We all have days where we just feel like crap and don't give a bit of flying hoohockey what's going on in the rest of the world. We just want to be pissed and hurt and frustrated and everything in between. We come out of our cave when we feel like it. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Keep your chin up. Remember, those bad days can happen. Don't kick yourself for those. Just make sure you remember the greatness around you. You have God, your family, friends, and your cancer buds who love you and are always here for you when you need them.

Much love and blessings,
Dori <3

Anonymous said...

I just want to say that after following your blog over the past 4 months that I'd being honored to call you 'friend'. I've been privileged to be allowed in some of the deepest recesses of your thoughts etc. What a beautiful person you are. I wish you peace and much comfort if at all possible and whenever possible for the rest of your life. I am a lucky stage I grade II ovarian cancer survivor. To my thinking you are grace personified.
Cindy in Northern Calif.