….and sometimes it feels as though it is happening without me and I am left behind. I had dinner tonight with my ex-boyfriend and I found out that he and his wife are expecting a baby girl to be born in August.
As I lay here tonight I find myself very sad. It is not that I miss him or anything like that. We dated for five years and though we loved each other and genuinely enjoyed being together we knew we were not meant to spend of lives together and we ended it on good terms and have become friends. I am so happy that he found someone that he was meant to be with and I am very excited about their news.
I just feel as though his wife is living the life that I wanted, but not in a jealous way at all. Before cancer I dreamed about meeting someone that I would spend the rest of my life with. I am not sure if I ever wanted kids, but cancer took that decision away from me right along with the opportunity to be with someone for the rest of my life.
This week I went to a young adult support group and the topic was about sexuality and relationships in the context of the young adult cancer survivor. It was a good discussion, but I left with the understanding that a relationship and sex is not an option for me. We talked about when is the right time to disclose that you have or had cancer. There were some great suggestions, but I don’t feel like they apply to me. How do you tell someone that you are interested in that you have advanced incurable cancer that is spread throughout my body, that I have no job, can’t drive, and live with my parents and I have no idea how long I will live. Of course this conversation would happen after I met someone that can overlook how much weight I have gained due to having cancer and that I walk with a cane. I know that live in a dream world sometimes, but get real people; something this farfetched does not even happen in my dreams.
This is just another example of how much cancer has ripped from my life. Just another loss that I will work through.
I have been feeling like shit lately. May was a busy month and I think I overdid it. I am glad I went to camp and also to the church retreat, but with those trips on top of my sister and her family in town I now seem to be paying the consequences. I have not written a blog in a while. There are several reasons why, including my busy schedule over the last month, but in the beginning it was because I was sleeping pretty good and my usual writing time occurs when I can’t sleep. Unfortunately I can no longer give the same reason. I have not been sleeping well over the past two weeks, but I have felt so poorly that I did not have the energy to write. I mostly just laid in bed whimpering until exhaustion took over.
Last night I had another one of my coughing fits that seems to become more frequent of late. After coughing so much I was sure I had coughed up a lung, I stopped coughing long enough to vomit. After feeling physically spent I dragged myself back to bed and curled up into a fetal position and cried. Finally around 4am my body gave in and allowed me to sleep. When I awoke I at felt a little rested, but was just worn out. I took it easy until my doctor appointment this afternoon and when I got home all I wanted to do was curl back into the ball on my bed. However, I had plans to meet my ex-boyfriend and did not want to cancel on him two weeks in a row.
He commented that I looking like I was doing well and he was surprised by how much energy I had. What he does not know was that I was snoozing on the couch up until the moment he picked me up and immediately upon return home I took a nap. There is something that provides energy when I really want to do something. I call it being “on”. No matter how I am feeling, if I need to be “on” I somehow find the energy and am usually good for about two hours before I start to crash. I think part of the reason I am able to find energy to do something I really want is because I am so determine to live life on my own terms and to be able to enjoy my time with people. I do not spend too much time with my friends and when I do I want it to be good, so I push away how I feel and concentrate on enjoying it. This does not always work and when it does however I was feeling beforehand comes at me ten-fold, but it is usually worth it.
Now that I have been able to let out my feelings, I hope this horrific headache will go away and I can get some sleep.