Over a week has passed since I last wrote a post. Since I usually write at night when I can’t sleep, we can infer that I have been sleeping better. Until tonight that it, since it is 2am and I am exhausted but wide awake. I have thought about writing over the past week or so. I even have a list of possible topics, but there has been something stopping me from writing. I wrote several weeks ago that I have been faking it and only been showing the good stuff to people. My blogs are somewhere that I do not feel I have been faking it. Since I write at night when I am tired, I am able to write just how I feel at that moment and there is little or no filter on whether I should say something or not.
During the day, that filter is very much there. I start to think of things to say and all of a sudden, I start talking myself out of things I was going to write, worried about how people might read them, afraid my words might hurt someone or worrying if I should share so much. I then start to think about what type of things the people that read my blog want to hear. I came up with a whole list of topics. The thing about all this, I created this blog because I wanted to provide my family and friends with updates on my cancer, tests and treatments. I never dreamed that people that I did not know would want to read it. It quickly dawned on me that this blog was as much for me as it is for others, if not more so. It has given me an opportunity to let everything I am thinking and feeling out. It does not matter if I am having a great day or a bad day; I have a place to write about my feelings, experiences, hopes, fears, dreams, and prayers. The benefit of this blog format over a journal is I can share it with people and have gained so much support from the comments and feedback. Somehow people I did not know have found my blog and this has given me an opportunity to share my life, my journey with others; some in similar situations and just maybe my words can help them.
So before I talk about how I feel today, I just want to thank you for taking the time to read this blog, for taking time to comment. I love reading the comments that people write. Sometime I know the person comments, some are anonymous and some of you who I have never met, I consider you another one of my friends and support group. They say it takes a village to raise a child, I say it takes village to go through an illness and my blog has allowed me to share with my village my feelings and in response I receive so much support.
Lately I have been feeling tired. This seems to be a theme for the last 8 months or so, but there is a weariness that is added to the fatigue. I am always struggling with getting quality sleep, but that has been more important than ever. My tailbone is still causing me a lot of pain. This is very frustrating to me. It has been almost 3 months and I had hoped that at this point I could stop using the cushions, but no luck. I have two cushions that are my constant companions. I have even named them. The one I use most often is a red round rubber doughnut named Bess. Sitting in hard chairs, car rides or sitting in restaurants would be impossible without her. The other cushion I have is a blue foam wedge with a cut out in the back for my tailbone. His name is Peter and he is the one I use when sitting on sofas and cushioned chairs. I know I look pretty funny walking into a restaurant or bar carrying a red doughnut with me, but I am getting used to the stares. I am not sure why I felt the need to name the cushions Bess and Peter, but they just seemed to fit.
Last week I started taking a water exercise/therapy class at the YMCA with my mom. I have not been able to get any type of exercise for over a year due to breathing issues, balance, pain, tailbone, infections and other physical limitations. I thought about yoga, but due to the tailbone and the balance issues that is out. So we looked into something in the water. Mom and I started last week and have had two classes so far. The next one is tomorrow morning, which is why I really need to get some sleep tonight. I can tell you that this class is whipping my butt. I felt so tired after class last week. It seems like the things we are doing in the water should be easy since it is low energy, no impact and an easy pace. But let me tell you that while walking/jogging in the water is easy than on land, it is still no walk in the park. Even though it hurts and is tiring, it feels good to be able to do something besides lay around the house. I think it will even help get me back on a normal sleep cycle.
Next week I go to Montana to Camp Mak-A-Dream for an Ovarian Cancer Survivors Retreat. I went last year and it was wonderful meeting other women that have gone through the same thing. There are workshops and games, art and other fun stuff. I am really looking forward to it. I honestly did not think I would be alive right now and in no shape to travel across the country, but I have been blessed with time to be able to do this. Camp is free, but I could not have afforded to go if a wonderful friend had not provided me with his frequent flyer miles to cover the airfare. Until my house sells, I have no money to spend on anything but medical and prescriptions costs.
Well folks, I am off to sleep now, or at least an attempt at sleep. Thanks for reading.