Thursday, April 22, 2010

A visit from beyond

I just had a great experience. I was sleeping and Oscar came for a visit. Even though it was a dream, it was more than just a dream; it was my precious Oscar coming to say hi.

In the dream I was at my condo and I walked into the living room and there he was. When I first walked in the room, I noticed there were big puffs of cotton balls and some torn pieces of blue fabric. I thought to myself, what happened here. Then I looked down and Oscar was lying on his side and he looked up at me and his ears perked up.

I was surprised to see him and I said to him “I did not know you were here. I am so glad to see you, but you did not need to make such a mess to get my attention”. I remember thinking that he probably needed to go out. Around that time, I heard wonderful music. I started to turn off the lights and told Oscar to head back to the bedroom and I would be right there. When I went to turn off the music I realized the room held little furniture and no stereo.

As I walked to the bedroom to let Oscar out the back door, I wondered where the music was coming from. I looked for Oscar, but at that moment I woke up. The music I had heard was real and had awoken me. I had left my iPod on when I went to sleep, without setting sleep mode. Over 1 ½ had passed since I must have fallen asleep. As I woke up I felt both happiness and sadness. I am so glad that Oscar came for a visit, but so sad it was so short.

There are so many things about my dream that felt off, but in that moment I was sure it was happening. This is not the first time that Oscar has visited me in my dreams. The first time he visited was a couple months after he died. We were both on the bed lying forehead to forehead. I remember what he felt like, what he smelled like. When I woke up and realized that he was gone it was like losing him all over again. After that I enjoyed every visit, they are such gifts. I know it is his way of telling me hi and that he is patiently waiting for me. The memory of him is still so clear in my mind as I write this, the way his muzzle was white and his eyes danced when he saw me, how warm his fur felt when I rubbed his neck.

I am annoyed with my unconscious self that I spent precious time with him being upset with him that he tore up one of his toys. I remember thinking that I would have to clean it up before someone comes to see the condo. Even in my dream I was aware my condo was for sale and I did not live there anymore. It is weird that I could be aware in my dream that I was moving, but not aware that Oscar passed away over two years ago. I was surprised to see him, but if was so real to me, it did not occur to me at the time that he was not there. When I awoke, I stayed in bed for a moment and talked out loud to him. I said,
“Oscar my sweet boy, thank you for coming to see me, I love you so much. You are such a good boy. I know you are just over the beyond waiting for me. I miss you buddy, but I will be with you soon.”

As I became fully awake I knew it would be a while before I could go back to sleep and I wanted to write down what happened so I can remember it very clearly.
I was feeling kind of blah today and a visit from Oscar was just what I needed. Even with all the love and support from all my friends, I sometime feel very alone. His visit helped me remember that I am never alone and that he is always with me. I miss him so much and it felt so good to have him with me even for just a few moments.

It made me wonder if the same thing will happen to me when I am dead. Will I, like Oscar be able to come back and visit the ones I love in their dreams? Will I be able to talk with them, assure them I am ok? Will it be a comfort to them as it to me when I see him or will it cause them distress?

I have written before about what I think heaven will be like for me. I have no fear about what will happen when I die. In fact, it is a great comfort to me to have a vision of the afterlife. I only fear the actually process of dying. It is then when I think I will feel pain. I imagine that the moment I die all the pain and suffering will float away and I will feel this sense of peace and comfort like I have never felt before. I am certain that Oscar will be waiting for me to show me the ropes. At this moment I am impatient to see him again, but at the same time not ready for my life to be over. I think that when the time comes for me to die, I will be ready. When Oscar was still alive, I remember telling people that Oscar would tell me when he was dying and when it was time to let him know. He was a sick a couple of times in the months before he died, but part of me knew that his time was not up. I can’t explain it, but I just knew when he was ready for me to let him go. It was an awful time for me, just weeks after I was diagnosed and I needed him more than ever, but somehow I knew it would be ok and it was his time to die.

I only hope that when my time comes my family and friends can feel the same calmness and sense of certainty that I felt with him. I want people to remember that I am in a safe, wonderful and peaceful place and just like Oscar was, I will be waiting for them.


Trish said...

when i was in the ER years ago & ended up highly overmedicated due to a doc being a jerk, i stopped breathing due to the meds i was given. in that time i was not breathing, a dear friend "visited" me. she had been dead for a few years and i missed her terribly. she told me it would be ok, to come with her, to just go to the light foggy area with her and all would be okay. i trusted her and knew it would be ok. i was REALLY angry with the ER nurse for giving me narcam & taking me away from my friend.

because of that experience, i do not fear dying. i know Sharon will be there when it is my time to guide me. i also know that when i am gone, i will help others too.

i suspect Oscar will be around to help your transition. i suspect you will help others too. how wonderful Oscar came for another visit!

Kris said...

If people read this blog, then I think they will understand your transition from this life to the next realm and will be comforted by the knowledge that you will be with Oscar and all others who've gone before you. Our pets are a great source of comfort to us in life and I think it is natural that they might be among those who help us make the transition from here to there.
Both my mother and my sister have come through for me, each at a point when I was in need. I haven't actually seen either of them, but their spirits, voices and words have come across loud and clear to help with a time when I thought I could not cope.
I'm thinking that dream of Oscar was enough to make you want to go back to sleep.


Catherine said...

I tend to lurk on your blog, sorry and as a reader, I find that you inhabit a world of strength and beauty that I am able to benefit from. Thank you.

I recently lost my own dear cat soul-mate after a brief illness. Frankly, although I have felt too humble to comment before (hence my lurking on the blog), but I find your post here too moving not to offer my own brief word of thank you, and God bless. Not just because of the hope of seeing our animal friends in the beyond, but for the inspiration of your simple questions--you are not afraid to ask the hard questions. And yet you still continue to live life.

Anyway, I'm not sure I am fully making sense of myself anyway.

I guess I am trying to say thank you for being real.

Catherine, delurking