Monday, December 14, 2009


I think this is the first time I have written those words. I don’t think I have even thought those words before. Maybe I never wanted to give cancer the power before, but there it is: I hate cancer.

You may be thinking that it is about time for me to hate something that has effected me as much as cancer has. My life and the lives of my family and friend’s has been forever changed by cancer. But it is not my experience with cancer that has made feel this way, it is what cancer is doing to people I care about. On Friday I learned that two fellow cancer survivors were not doing well.

I met Shawn at a Stupid Cancer Happy Hour last year. He was another young adult that was fighting hard to beat this horrible disease. In March I had the privilege of attending his end of chemo party. Two months later he had a recurrence. He started treatment again, but it did not slow him down much. He was very active in cancer advocacy and is Mr. May 2010 of the Colondar. I found out that Shawn passed away today while being surrounded by his family and friends.

The other survivor I met when I attended an ovarian cancer survivor’s retreat at Camp Mak-A-Dream in May 2009. Marcia was currently undergoing treatment, but she like everyone else I know is a fighter. She too had a recurrence in early summer and found out the cancer had spread. On Friday I learned that treatment was not working and they turned their focus from treatment to comfort and have started hospice. From the latest update today, it sounds like her time with us is limited. She is currently at home with her family and spent the day enjoying the holiday decorations.

I met Shawn the day I found out the cancer had returned with a vengeance and when I met Marcia I had stopped treatment and was focusing on living life to its fullest. From the moment I met both of them I knew I was going to die and it was just a matter of when. Both Marcia and Sean were doing well and it never occurred to me that one of them might not win against this disease or event that they might die before me.

I have accepted my death, but I can not accept the death of people I know. It is just not fair. There is so much more that I want to write about this, but it is just too much for me to write anymore tonight. I thank you all for your continued support and prayers and ask that you send prayers to Marcia, Sean and their families.

This reminds me of this song.

“What about me?” By Shannon Noll

Well there's a little boy waiting at the counter of a corner shop
He's been waiting down there, waiting half the day
They never ever see him from the top
He gets pushed around, knocked to the ground
He gets to his feet and he says

What about me, it isn't fair
I've had enough now i want my share
Can't you see i wanna live
But you just take more than you give

Well there's a pretty girl serving at the counter of the corner shop
She's been waiting back there, waiting for her dreams
Her dreams walk in and out they never stop
Well she's not too proud to cry out loud
She runs to the street and she screams
So take a step back and see the little people
They may be young but they're the ones
That make the big people big
So listen, as they whisper
What about me

And now i'm standing on the corner all the world's gone home
Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
And i'm feeling cold and alone
I guess i'm lucky, i smile a lot
But sometimes i wish for more than i've got

Here is a link to the video.


Kairol Rosenthal said...

Pretty moving post. Sorry for the loss that is surrounding you now. Odd how hard it is to see in others - sometimes harder than seeing it in ourselves. I hate cancer too.



Catherine said...

Wow....this is a great post. I hate to sound like a copy-cat, but I hate cancer too. (I should say that I do not have it myself, but I worked for a surgical oncologist for seven years before I went to grad school).

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you for sharing your lie with all of us.

Jody said...

I am so un-original: I hate, detest, and LOATHE cancer. Loathe and cancer belong together, in fact.

Losing our "allies" (which is how I think of my treatment friends) is devastating, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Hugs to you,

morello said...

well, no one love cancer, i think :)
anyway thank for enthusiasm sharing.

Kris said...

Cancer sucks, that's for sure. As faithfully as we try to learn the lessons it teaches, it continues to act without scruples or empathy. I, like you, cannot figure out any reason for who goes and who stays, and just when any of that happens. I just know that you have been a model of getting the most out of the time you've been given, and dealing with it in an open and honest manner.
Here's to you, those who've left us, and all those who continue to fight and try to beat this evil foe.