Saturday, October 24, 2009


It has been a crazy week, but as I reflect on the past weeks I have realized they are all crazy weeks in one way or another. I keep asking myself why things can’t be simple. I have finally come up with an answer. Living is not simple, so why did I think that dying would be simple.

This is only one of the many revelations I have had recently. I am not going to share all of them with you now. It took me time to figure them out so I guess I am allowed to keep you guessing too.

One thing that I have decided is I am no longer able to take good care of myself. So in two weeks I am moving in with my parents. This was not an easy decision and it is going to be hard, but I know it is the right thing to do. I have lived on my own for 12 years and I love my condo. It is going to be hard to give it up, but in reality I am not really giving my house up completely. I am just taking some of my stuff to my parents and we will be keeping my place, so I will always be able to visit. I guess you can go home again.

Last night I watched “The Bucket List”. Watching this movie was something that I resisted for a long time. I was in the middle of treatment when it first came out and I was fighting for my life. I was not able to think about my bucket list. I was worried that I would not have time to check things off my list and would find the movie depressing.

For some reason last night I was ready to watch the movie and I am happy to say I can give it a good review. A few scenes were hard to watch because they hit close to home, but then there were others that made me laugh out loud. In the end, I think I am better for watching it. As I way laying in bed last night not able to sleep I though about my own bucket list. I could not come up with things that were realistic that I have not yet done. There are places I would like to visit like Alaska, Arcadia National Park, Greece and many others. There were experiences I would like to have, like falling head over heels love, waking up next to someone realizing that I was loved unconditionally and that person would be there every day. Let’s face it these things are not going to happen, but dreaming about them are not particularly detrimental.

I started thinking about it a different way. Maybe I should write my bucket list as something I would have written I was younger. Maybe my list should be a reflection of the things that I have done.

The bucket list in the movie included laughing until you cried and witnessing something majestic. I have laughed until I cried many times and I think seeing my nephews for the first time, hiking in Yosemite and sitting in Monterey watching the otters play was majestic. I have been blessed in my life and done so many incredible things and had awesome experiences and memories. So seriously who can ask for anymore than that?


Marcia Banta said...

Twitter doesn't adequatly allow space to say how much I wish the sadness of moving would pass quickly, but how much I see in you the ability to keep moving forward. I am confident you will discover things you can and will put on a "bucket list".

peggy said...


I was inspired by Ted Kennedy's approach to a "bucket list." Rather than focus on filling up time doing things he had never done, he wanted to spend time doing things that made him happy--dinner with freinds, walks on the beach (sunrises, sunsets),music, opera, --I think he had a long list of things that we're so difficult to acomplish but brought him great joy.

I don't write much but I read all you posts and I'm praying for you. Love, Peggy Heller