Saturday, October 24, 2009

Reflections

It has been a crazy week, but as I reflect on the past weeks I have realized they are all crazy weeks in one way or another. I keep asking myself why things can’t be simple. I have finally come up with an answer. Living is not simple, so why did I think that dying would be simple.

This is only one of the many revelations I have had recently. I am not going to share all of them with you now. It took me time to figure them out so I guess I am allowed to keep you guessing too.

One thing that I have decided is I am no longer able to take good care of myself. So in two weeks I am moving in with my parents. This was not an easy decision and it is going to be hard, but I know it is the right thing to do. I have lived on my own for 12 years and I love my condo. It is going to be hard to give it up, but in reality I am not really giving my house up completely. I am just taking some of my stuff to my parents and we will be keeping my place, so I will always be able to visit. I guess you can go home again.

Last night I watched “The Bucket List”. Watching this movie was something that I resisted for a long time. I was in the middle of treatment when it first came out and I was fighting for my life. I was not able to think about my bucket list. I was worried that I would not have time to check things off my list and would find the movie depressing.

For some reason last night I was ready to watch the movie and I am happy to say I can give it a good review. A few scenes were hard to watch because they hit close to home, but then there were others that made me laugh out loud. In the end, I think I am better for watching it. As I way laying in bed last night not able to sleep I though about my own bucket list. I could not come up with things that were realistic that I have not yet done. There are places I would like to visit like Alaska, Arcadia National Park, Greece and many others. There were experiences I would like to have, like falling head over heels love, waking up next to someone realizing that I was loved unconditionally and that person would be there every day. Let’s face it these things are not going to happen, but dreaming about them are not particularly detrimental.

I started thinking about it a different way. Maybe I should write my bucket list as something I would have written I was younger. Maybe my list should be a reflection of the things that I have done.

The bucket list in the movie included laughing until you cried and witnessing something majestic. I have laughed until I cried many times and I think seeing my nephews for the first time, hiking in Yosemite and sitting in Monterey watching the otters play was majestic. I have been blessed in my life and done so many incredible things and had awesome experiences and memories. So seriously who can ask for anymore than that?

2 comments:

Marcia Banta said...

Twitter doesn't adequatly allow space to say how much I wish the sadness of moving would pass quickly, but how much I see in you the ability to keep moving forward. I am confident you will discover things you can and will put on a "bucket list".

peggy said...

Allison

I was inspired by Ted Kennedy's approach to a "bucket list." Rather than focus on filling up time doing things he had never done, he wanted to spend time doing things that made him happy--dinner with freinds, walks on the beach (sunrises, sunsets),music, opera, --I think he had a long list of things that we're so difficult to acomplish but brought him great joy.

I don't write much but I read all you posts and I'm praying for you. Love, Peggy Heller