Monday, August 24, 2009

Late night musings

Quick update on the medical stuff before I get to the meat of the blog.

The last two weeks have been the weeks of infections. To date I have had three; starting with an infection in my tooth, urinary tract infection, and sinus infection. I am still on two of the three antibiotics prescribed to me and I have had several different side effects the latest being nausea and vomiting. This is on top of the breathing issues and headaches and the other symptoms that come along with infections and not to mention having cancer.

Needless to say it has not been a great couple of weeks, although as throughout the summer I had some great times with friends including a girl’s night in the islands, icing a cake, birthday party, support group dinner and a nice night when a friend made me dinner and watched a movie.

I continue to be blessed by being loved by so many.

One thing that I have noticed that I have been doing often lately is talking to myself. I have talked out loud to myself before, whether it was for encouragement “You can do this”, telling myself to get a handle on things “Come on Ward, get it together“, questioning what I was doing or just the regular banter that people have with themselves.

Lately however I had noticed this at an alarmingly increasing rate. Tonight I was debating out loud if I should have another ice cream sandwich. (I did by the way) I will ask myself a question and answer it. I have even questioned the answer and in a way argued with myself. Usually these vocalizations are short, but yesterday I spent a good five minutes debating an issue, spouting out the pros and cons.

Is it caused by loneliness? It is certainly not for lack of companionship or people to talk to. Maybe my brain is so full these days that there is enough room for the thoughts to go around inside without vocalizing them. It could be menopause or even the brain tumor affecting my personality. Is it because I live alone and need to exercise my voice? (I said that last statement aloud as I typed it – weird huh?) All these things are possible. Many people have said I have always been a little “touched in the head”. I have not yet come to a conclusion, although I know I am not alone and there are others out there that have these vocal solo conversations.


Kris said...

Fascinating stuff, this self talk that you are noticing. I too have long done it but will have to pay attention to its frequency and duration. Now you've got me thinking.

Have an ice cream sandwich for me and now that the weekend craziness is over for me, we'll be talking soon.

"Touched" hugs, Kris

Anonymous said...

Hi Allison!

It's Jen Falcone from T. Rowe Price. I'm sure you remember our days working on Avenue. I still check in on your blog to see how you are doing as I think about you often. Your summer adventures sound wonderful, and I'm delighted to hear you felt well enough to enjoy them.

I just wanted to say hi! Let me know if you want to grab coffee or lunch sometime. I could bring it over, or we could go out. It would be great to see you.

Thinking of you,
Jen Falcone

Anonymous said...


Although I only worked with you for a very short time, your strength and determination touched me deeply. You shared this blog link with me shortly before leaving TRP and I find myself checking it often to see how you are. I am so glad to see that you are back to providing updates!

I sometimes wonder if you realize the positive impact you have had on so many people. Your story is one of courage and I really admire all that you've been able to accomplish.

Thinking of you often,
Debbie Williams

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. It means a lot to me. My daughter, who lives in another State, has ovarian cancer and will not talk to me about it. Being shut out like that hurts like bloody hell. I'm her mother, and whether or not the relationship is important to her, it is to me. Anyway, I know, it's not about me. So I put up and shut up and mourn. Being lonely and scared sucks, doesn't it? Wish I could be a heartbeat for you.