Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Counting my blessings

The last couple of days have been hard ones. I have not been feeling very good and have felt kind of down. Saturday was a girl’s day and it was a good day. I had lunch with two great friends and then one friend and I went to the spa for hot stone massages and facials. I planned in an afternoon nap and then went to another friend’s house for the evening. Unfortunately, soon after I got to there I started to feel poorly. Laura (who drove me) could tell after a while that I was getting tired and we went home around 9pm.

It seemed so unfair to me that I had an evening to spend with a great group of people and I was not feeling good. Saturday night was a rough one and I did not sleep very well. I got up for church on Sunday because I was going to help usher. I felt like crap and ended up only staying around 20 minutes at the church and came home to bed.

I spent the afternoon at a friend’s house planning their garden. After a trip to Home Depot to look at plants and a quick trip by my parents house I was exhausted and in need of another nap. I napped before and after dinner at the Beekman’s house and then came home and slept all night.

On Monday I went to work, but felt pretty crappy and left work around 11am. After almost falling asleep at the wheel on the drive home, I took yet another nap and then worked from home the rest of the day.

Today (Tuesday) I worked a full day, but came home and slept for 2 hours. That is the only reason I am still awake at 11pm. It is unbelievable to me how tired I am. My back is still killing me so I am taking the pain meds, but I can’t take them at work or I am too loopy. I am starting to feel the side effects for the new medication. I feel like I have the flu, achy, tired, chills, sweats, and of course I am nauseous. Apparently the side effects can mimic the symptoms of the flu. I do not have a fever, but my mouth has been bothering me again. My tongue is extra sensitive and my throat is sore when I eat, but okay if I just have liquids. In fact I am extra thirsty. I feel as though I have no energy and am sleeping all the time, while life passes me by and I don’t want to miss any moment of life.

I was sitting here tonight feeling sorry for myself. I guess I still am since I bitched for 5 paragraphs about how crappy the last couple of days are. But tonight, I also realized how blessed I am to have so many great people in my life. I would not even be able to name them all, but tonight alone 3 great people dropped off things for me and I talked to two others that were checking in on me. Yesterday another friend dropped off some groceries and I talked to two others. Since Friday night, I have seen or talked to at least 25 friends that I am so lucky to have in my life. Each one brings different things to me, whether it is tangible items, help or just laughter and smiles.

Tonight I started a section in my gratitude journal for people. I have been writing down all the things that I thankful for like chicken soup, flannel sheets, heated throw blankets, knitted hats, ginger snaps and much more, but I find that I even though I pray and thank God for all my friends I have not listed them out, so tonight I have started. I am making a list of all the angels that are in my life each day that call, visit, or just make me smile. Thank you to all my angels and God bless you for being in my life, you make such a big difference, bring me great happiness and peace. I would not be able to do this without each of you.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Mid day / Mid Night

I am finding that the hardest time for is Middle of the Day 1-3pm and Middle of the Night. In the afternoon I seem to crash after lunch. I miss my afternoon naps. Conversely, I find myself waking up between 1am – 3am. Last night I was unable to get back to sleep so I surfed the web some, knitted and tried to tire out my brain to be able to get back to sleep.

It seems weird to me that 12 hours apart I have such different energy levels. I would really like to switch them so I am awake in the afternoon and sleeping soundly at night. It does not seem like it is so much to ask. The new medication makes me a little restless and I find I am not content sitting around, but rarely have the energy to do anything else.

Wow – It seems like I am really in a bitchy mood today.
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Updated 4/15/08 9pm

I thought I was done whining for the day, but apparently there are greater forces at work. This afternoon I left work 30 minutes early to get a blood test and then I on my home I was rear ended. So I guess being in an accident warrants a little more whining for the day. I am sore already, my neck, back and shoulder hurt. It is just not what I needed in my life right now. Another pain in the ass (or neck) thing to deal with. Not just the physical pain, but taking my car in to get fixed, etc, etc. I am really believing that negative forces are at work around me. Well, enough for now. I promise this is the last on my bitching for the day. I am going to take my pain meds and muscle relaxer and go to bed. Let’s hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Monday, April 14, 2008

When the spirit moves you.

Last week was a hard week for me. It was the second week I was back to full time at work and I started a new oral chemo that is experimental. I did not feel too many side effects in the beginning of the week except being tired, but once Thursday came I was achy, tired, the nausea started and basically felt like crap. I think I was asleep by 9pm most nights and slept for 12 hours straight on Saturday/Sunday.

Sunday night my church had a service for people that have been affected by Cancer, whether it is having cancer, being a survivor, or known someone who has lost the battle. I realized I fit into all three categories. There were cards for parishioners to fill out and name love ones who has/had cancer.

I was not sure that I was going to have the strength to stay through the whole service and I started crying before the service even started. I did remember my tissues this week. Luckily I had two great friends that sat right next to me and held my hand when I needed support. I sobbed through most the service and at sometimes uncontrollably, but I have learned that it is ok to cry in front of others, especially at church. They had a laying on of hands for healing and we filled a cross with flowers.

Singing is one of my favorite activities and singing at church has always made me happy and feel closer to god. I think it is totally unfair that almost every church song makes me cry. I try to sing them and often just break down in tears. It almost feels like the one thing I can do is taken away.

It was during the prayers when they spoke the names of everyone on the cards that were submitted when I really fell apart. When I heard my name I was just consumed with peace, sadness and anger all at the same time. How great that people were praying for me, but why should they, why can I not get my miracle? It was when they spoke the names for all who have died that I really lost it. I do not want to be on that list the next time they have this service. I have so many more things I want to do and most importantly more lessons I need to learn before I am ready to be an angel. It is just not fair

The amazing thing is I was so upset during the service, but when I left and went to my sister’s house to celebrate her birthday I felt and incredible sense of peace. That peace has continued overnight and I have not felt sick at all today. Maybe the prayers helped, maybe if I have a positive spirit and get plenty of sleep the pain and emotional turmoil will not get to me. Maybe I will get my miracle, even if it is just a miracle of more time. I am not going to get my hopes up too much, but it feels to be feeling good and not feel like the cancer cloud is looming overhead defining my every moment.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Well Enough for Treatment

It looks like I have finally kicked the bronchitis. It hung around for 6 weeks. I am feeling better now and I just passed my blood test. It is official, I start my new chemo next Monday and then a week later I go back to my normal chemo routine. I am not sure how I feel about it. It is important to get back on treatment, but I enjoyed feeling better last weekend and not really looking forward to feeling like crap again. It seems weird that last week I was praying to get better so I could start chemo again. Something is very wrong with that.

I am having a few ladies over on Friday for some wine and laughter. I am trying to tell myself that the house does not need to be perfect or even vacuumed and I don’t need to go out of my way to cook stuff, but the old me wants things to be perfect. The point of ladies night is to just chill out with friends, relax and have fun. We have it at my house so I don’t have to travel and there are always someone that pitches in cleaning up or rather cleans up everything and makes me sit. I think I like the impromptu parties better because I don’t have time to stress about it.

Tonight is physical therapy and tomorrow I am going to see Camelot at the Hippodrome. A friend gave me tickets and I am really looking forward to it, plus I have a very cute escort. I will probably be exhausted on Saturday, but that is what weekends are for right?