As 2009 approaches I am trying to look forward and be hopeful, but how do you have hope when you know this is your last new year’s.
I have also been spending a lot of time in preparations around dying – my will, memorial service planning, talking with hospice etc. I have been doing a pretty good job of holding it together. I still cry everyday, but not outright sobbing. I was looking forward to the holidays and how I wanted to spend my time between friends and family. Then two days before Christmas it hit me – this was going to be my last Christmas. I was at a holiday lunch at work with a gift exchange and I was having a great time. Out of the blue this wave of sadness hit me. I am working on accepting my death, but the realization that this was my last holiday hit me like a ton of bricks and I lost it. My poor co-worker had to deal with me crying in his office and in reality there really were no comforting words to say. He did tell me to concentrate on each day and not what tomorrow will bring. So for the rest of the holidays I focused on enjoying each moment as they happened and tried not think about it.
The small day to day tasks are easy and I don’t constantly question whether or not this is my last time I will experience something, but what about the big things.
So here is the big question. How do I look forward to 2009 knowing that I am dying and this will be my last New Year ’s Eve, nephew’s birthday party, my birthday etc.
I remember when my nephews were younger and I looked forward to witnessing their “firsts” – the first time they crawled, walked, smiled, said my name etc. How do I deal with the “lasts”?