Last week was a hard week for me. It was the second week I was back to full time at work and I started a new oral chemo that is experimental. I did not feel too many side effects in the beginning of the week except being tired, but once Thursday came I was achy, tired, the nausea started and basically felt like crap. I think I was asleep by 9pm most nights and slept for 12 hours straight on Saturday/Sunday.
Sunday night my church had a service for people that have been affected by Cancer, whether it is having cancer, being a survivor, or known someone who has lost the battle. I realized I fit into all three categories. There were cards for parishioners to fill out and name love ones who has/had cancer.
I was not sure that I was going to have the strength to stay through the whole service and I started crying before the service even started. I did remember my tissues this week. Luckily I had two great friends that sat right next to me and held my hand when I needed support. I sobbed through most the service and at sometimes uncontrollably, but I have learned that it is ok to cry in front of others, especially at church. They had a laying on of hands for healing and we filled a cross with flowers.
Singing is one of my favorite activities and singing at church has always made me happy and feel closer to god. I think it is totally unfair that almost every church song makes me cry. I try to sing them and often just break down in tears. It almost feels like the one thing I can do is taken away.
It was during the prayers when they spoke the names of everyone on the cards that were submitted when I really fell apart. When I heard my name I was just consumed with peace, sadness and anger all at the same time. How great that people were praying for me, but why should they, why can I not get my miracle? It was when they spoke the names for all who have died that I really lost it. I do not want to be on that list the next time they have this service. I have so many more things I want to do and most importantly more lessons I need to learn before I am ready to be an angel. It is just not fair
The amazing thing is I was so upset during the service, but when I left and went to my sister’s house to celebrate her birthday I felt and incredible sense of peace. That peace has continued overnight and I have not felt sick at all today. Maybe the prayers helped, maybe if I have a positive spirit and get plenty of sleep the pain and emotional turmoil will not get to me. Maybe I will get my miracle, even if it is just a miracle of more time. I am not going to get my hopes up too much, but it feels to be feeling good and not feel like the cancer cloud is looming overhead defining my every moment.