Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Unwelcome Thoughts

I have been thinking a lot lately about life and trying to plan for the future. The future for me is different than for most. In January I found out that the cancer had spread to my lungs. The doctor's prognosis is pretty poor. I went through my stages of denial and anger, now I am in a stage of acceptance. I have been spending a lot of time thinking how I want to spend every moment I have and what it is important.

While I am trying to organize my life and plan for how I want to be remembered, there are somewhat unwelcome thoughts that come into my mind. They are not ones of depression or sorrow, but thoughts that are just as uncomfortable. It is intimacy.

Intimacy. For most people this is not a bad word, but for me it is. I am craving intimacy. I want to badly to be with a man. Just to cuddle and share time with. As a young single woman (OK, I am not as young as I used to be) with cancer, it is hard not to be defined by the cancer. I am a woman too and like most people want to share my life with someone. That does not mean I am looking for a man to commit to me, but I do want romance. I want to be held; sometimes I want to be held so badly it hurts. I want to fall asleep with someone holding me. I miss kissing, I love to kiss! First kiss is one of those great things about dating.

Dating with cancer is hard, actually it may be impossible. Who would want to date me? If the situation was reversed, I am not sure I would want to date me. But, don't I deserve to date? Don't I deserve intimacy and someone to cuddle with and have the understood Saturday night date? How do I get that? I have tried to ignore these feelings for a long time, but I can't anymore. I wake up thinking about it, I go sleep thinking about it and I even dream about it. Many of my friends say that dating is the last thing I should concentrate on, but I am still human.

I thought I may find it with an old friend, but there is the concern that being intimate might ruin our friendship. Part of me wants to say screw it and say that my need for intimacy is more important than friendship. Maybe it is...maybe it isn't, but it is not all my choice so I will have to just suck up my feelings and remain friends. OK - I need to stop writing about this or I will get all worked up again. Let's hope that someday I can find someone special to be with or maybe my friend will take a leap of faith and just see how things go.

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