Friday, March 28, 2008

Denial of a diagnosis

In January I was told that while the tumors in the ovary and liver had responded to the radiation and chemotherapy the cancer had spread to my lungs and the tumors where inoperable. The doctors told me I could have as little as 6 months. Six months, all I could think about was such a short timeframe. These days, days fly is as short as a blink of an eye. At first all I was in denial. I even smoked a cigarette or two. After the anger was past all I wanted was someone to acknowledge that I was dying, not that I was dying tomorrow, but that my time on my earth was limited.

I have accepted that I have seen my last birthday and I am OK with it. I am sad for my nephews and that will not grow up knowing me and I think I still have a lot to offer the world. I think what bothers me the most is the people that say I should not believe what the doctors say and not give up. Don’t get me wrong I have not given up and I am not ready to die. I have not given up on reality, but I have accepted the hand that God may have dealt. I also do not believe that God is up there choosing who lives and dies. I believe that illness and cancer is one of the things God has no control over.

Tonight I was at happy hour. I met this very cute and very nice guy. Although I did not say anything, it is hard to pretend I am not a cancer patient. I was not wearing my wig, but a newsboy style hat. After a while we were talking investments and I said that my main priority is to leave my nephews the most I can for college. The guy I was with acknowledged why I thought of this way but he proceeded to tell me about his aunt who had a 3 month diagnosis and led to live 17 years. Now it is not that I don’t believe such things will happen, but those stories are not the common place. There is a reason my doctor is one of the best in the country. It is because he is experienced in these types of cancers and is often right.

I do not want a death wish, but I wish that other people could accept it and stop denying what is happening to me. When other people deny it, all it does is belittle my acceptance and give me the message that I am giving. Giving up is the last thing I am doing.

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