Sunday, March 30, 2008

Great weekend :)

I think I have finally beaten this sickness (knock on wood). I am feeling great this weekend and went out both Friday and Saturday. It was great. I also have plans for today.

It has been so frustrating feeling so poorly and not being able to do anything about it except rest. I have either been out of work completely or part-time since February 19th. This is the most time I have missed from work ever, including my surgery in July.

Friday I left work at 3:30 and I just was not ready to go home. I told myself I would flip a coin and if it came up heads I would go to over to Peter’s Pub for one beer. The problem was by the time I found a coin (and did get heads) I was already in the car and halfway 3 floors down in the parking garage. My next excuse was if I found a parking spot on the 2nd or 3rd floor I would park and go. Well as luck would have it I found one on the 2nd floor close to the stair that leads to Peter’s. I guess the moon and stars were aligned and I was supposed to get a beer.

I know the bartender at Peter’s so I did not feel funny going to a bar by myself. Although I did call a friend of mine, but he was too busy buying paint for his new house. I struck up a couple conversations with my bar mates and talked to a couple co-workers and staying a lot longer than planed. Four hours, 4 beers and a shot of Irish whiskey and plans for lunch on Sunday I left the bar and drove home. I had two offers to see bands that night in Fell’s point and in Northern Baltimore. By the time I got home, got some food, I realized there was no way I would make the 8:30 show. I was still debating about going to the 10:00. At 9:30 I flipped another coin and yet again got heads so I was getting ready to go our when a friend called on her way home and I convinced her to go out with me. The bar was cool and the music was alright. Unfortunately the main band did not come on until 11:45 and I was quickly getting tired. I stayed until 12:30 and headed home.

Wow that is a lot of words for less than 12 hours. I went to a meeting the other day and the word of the day was loquacious. I would say that describes me well. On Saturday I went to acupuncture and then chauffeured my sister around going to Costco and BJ’s. We filled up my SUV with Diapers and food items, mostly for her. By the time I drover her home and unloaded the car it was 5:30 and I was pooped. I took a quick nap and then went to dinner and a movie with a friend. Wow another late night out. I have not done that in ages. I was tired, but boy it felt good.

Today I came into work for a couple hours to set up my new cubicle. I moved from the 5th to the 14th floor over the weekend. I am going for sushi at 12:30pm. I have a couple of hours of work to do and then I am having Sunday night dinner at a friend’s. They promised southern fried chicken. Yum, let’s see if that is on the menu tonight. I would love to try and get a nap in before dinner, but will have to see how lunch and getting some work done goes.

Since tomorrow is my first day back to work full-time I need to make sure I get a good night’s rest. I will be talking to the doctor tomorrow and there is a good chance I will be starting chemo this week. Since this new chemo is experimental, we are not sure of the side effects so this may be my last really good weekend for a while.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Denial of a diagnosis

In January I was told that while the tumors in the ovary and liver had responded to the radiation and chemotherapy the cancer had spread to my lungs and the tumors where inoperable. The doctors told me I could have as little as 6 months. Six months, all I could think about was such a short timeframe. These days, days fly is as short as a blink of an eye. At first all I was in denial. I even smoked a cigarette or two. After the anger was past all I wanted was someone to acknowledge that I was dying, not that I was dying tomorrow, but that my time on my earth was limited.

I have accepted that I have seen my last birthday and I am OK with it. I am sad for my nephews and that will not grow up knowing me and I think I still have a lot to offer the world. I think what bothers me the most is the people that say I should not believe what the doctors say and not give up. Don’t get me wrong I have not given up and I am not ready to die. I have not given up on reality, but I have accepted the hand that God may have dealt. I also do not believe that God is up there choosing who lives and dies. I believe that illness and cancer is one of the things God has no control over.

Tonight I was at happy hour. I met this very cute and very nice guy. Although I did not say anything, it is hard to pretend I am not a cancer patient. I was not wearing my wig, but a newsboy style hat. After a while we were talking investments and I said that my main priority is to leave my nephews the most I can for college. The guy I was with acknowledged why I thought of this way but he proceeded to tell me about his aunt who had a 3 month diagnosis and led to live 17 years. Now it is not that I don’t believe such things will happen, but those stories are not the common place. There is a reason my doctor is one of the best in the country. It is because he is experienced in these types of cancers and is often right.

I do not want a death wish, but I wish that other people could accept it and stop denying what is happening to me. When other people deny it, all it does is belittle my acceptance and give me the message that I am giving. Giving up is the last thing I am doing.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Unwelcome Thoughts

I have been thinking a lot lately about life and trying to plan for the future. The future for me is different than for most. In January I found out that the cancer had spread to my lungs. The doctor's prognosis is pretty poor. I went through my stages of denial and anger, now I am in a stage of acceptance. I have been spending a lot of time thinking how I want to spend every moment I have and what it is important.

While I am trying to organize my life and plan for how I want to be remembered, there are somewhat unwelcome thoughts that come into my mind. They are not ones of depression or sorrow, but thoughts that are just as uncomfortable. It is intimacy.

Intimacy. For most people this is not a bad word, but for me it is. I am craving intimacy. I want to badly to be with a man. Just to cuddle and share time with. As a young single woman (OK, I am not as young as I used to be) with cancer, it is hard not to be defined by the cancer. I am a woman too and like most people want to share my life with someone. That does not mean I am looking for a man to commit to me, but I do want romance. I want to be held; sometimes I want to be held so badly it hurts. I want to fall asleep with someone holding me. I miss kissing, I love to kiss! First kiss is one of those great things about dating.

Dating with cancer is hard, actually it may be impossible. Who would want to date me? If the situation was reversed, I am not sure I would want to date me. But, don't I deserve to date? Don't I deserve intimacy and someone to cuddle with and have the understood Saturday night date? How do I get that? I have tried to ignore these feelings for a long time, but I can't anymore. I wake up thinking about it, I go sleep thinking about it and I even dream about it. Many of my friends say that dating is the last thing I should concentrate on, but I am still human.

I thought I may find it with an old friend, but there is the concern that being intimate might ruin our friendship. Part of me wants to say screw it and say that my need for intimacy is more important than friendship. Maybe it is...maybe it isn't, but it is not all my choice so I will have to just suck up my feelings and remain friends. OK - I need to stop writing about this or I will get all worked up again. Let's hope that someday I can find someone special to be with or maybe my friend will take a leap of faith and just see how things go.

Monday, March 24, 2008

One of the Plagued

I am starting to feel like one of the unclean and will not be able to get well again. I have had this bronchitis thing now for over a month and I am sick of it. I did have a great couple of days over my birthday, but it seems like a heft price to pay feeling like I am coughing up a lung all the time.

I am in this nasty cycle of compromised immune system, getting sick, not being able to breathe, taking steroids to be able to breathe, side effects to the steroids and the steroids causing my immune system to be vulnerable and getting sick again.

I have been on oral and inhaled steroids off and on for three weeks. I now have a raging Oral Thrush infection. Mostly babies get thrush, but leave it to me to get something rare for adults. I am having trouble sleeping, because I cough so much and the steroids are making me antsy, but the doctor says that sleep is the best thing for me right now. It is so frustrating.

OK – enough bitching for today.

I can say that going to the Sheryl Crow concert last week was more helpful to me in many ways that just my morale. I was able to meet several wonderful people that I have inspired me greatly. Through them I have found all these new resources, which have energized me even more to get over this cold so I can go back on chemo. Imagine anyone praying to get healthy so they can get poison pumped into their body. Cancer makes you do and want some pretty crazy things.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Achoo, Cough, Cough Wheeze

It is 3:53am and I am wide awake. I feel like sh^t. My cold/bronchitis, flu, sinus infection, bubonic plague or whatever the f*ck it is really getting on my nerves. I have been running a fever since around 3:30 today and while the Tylenol helps a little it is not making a big difference. To top it all off, today the tumors in my abdomen decided to let me know they are still there and it feels like a game of ping pong is going on down there. Needless to say, I am in a lot of pain. I came home from acupuncture and took a hydro-codeine, muscle relaxer and two Tylenol. Pretty soon I was exhausted and pretty loopy as a couple people can attest to since I answered the phone when they called.

I have the chills then the sweats. Covers on, covers off - hat on, hat off. I am sure you can understand how it feels and I am not the only one that feels this way right now but I need an outlet to vent. I tried to call a friend around 10:30 to see if they could come stay with me, but all I got was a busy signal.

One of the few times I truly hate living alone is when you are sick and you need something like some juice or medicine, more tissues and you just don't have the energy to get out of bed. Since we are not wizards like Harry Potty, we have a choice to lay there and suffer or brave the cold, body aches, etc to get up to get what we need. When I am awake in the middle of the night I often wish there was one person I could call no matter what time to talk to them about how I feel.
I had a CT scan on my sinuses and my chest today. Hopefully the results will show why I feel as though my brain is disintegrating and coming down my nose and through like lave. I go back to the doctor on Monday. This weekend I am staying in bed and trying to get better, because of after feeling like this for over 4 weeks I am not sure how much more I can take.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Life is a roller coaster. One minute you are up and the next you are hitting the ground.

This morning I work up like normal, I have been a little tired yesterday and today, but I figured it was because I had such a big weekend.

My department took me out for a birthday lunch and about half-way through I started feeling really tired and was having some chills and was coughing some. We had a short meeting afterwards and good not get comfortable. Since I am still working part-time, I was able to leave a little after 2pm. When I got in my car I was so tired I could have put my head down and go to sleep. I was still freezing on the way home, but the warmth was making me tired and I started to nod off, so I had to put on some cold air.

When I got home I changed into my jammies while shivering when the air hit me. I preheated the bed with the heated mattress pad. My coughing was getting worse and I started to bring stuff up, but it also makes me nauseous. I crawled into bed and slept for 2 hours. I kept waking up with chills and had to adjust the heater. I took my temp at 5pm and it was 100.4. I called the doctor, made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon and was told if the breathing gets worse or the fever goes above 102 that I need to go to the ER. Of course I was overjoyed to hear that since I love that place.

My temp is now 101.7 and my peak flow is between 120 & 155. Every time I cough I try to bring stuff up and sometime I succeed with mucus, but almost always bring up anything I have had by mouth. Thank god for the barf bags my friends stag on airplanes for me.

Let me just tell you how much this sucks. I had such a great weekend and now I am feeling so poorly. I am going to try and get some sleep, but will check in later. Peace.


My breathing got much worse last night and after a call to the doctor at 9pm, I went to the ER. They were afraid it was pneumonia, but luckily they think it was just the flu. My chest e-ray looked good (or at least as well as it can). They gave me 3 breathing treatments, steroids and a couple prescriptions and sent me home around 2am. My fever broke last night and I am not coughing as much. I am feeling much better. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like crap, but last night I felt like death warmed over. I am resting at home today and going back to the doctor this afternoon. I guess this is what I get for partying all weekend; maybe someone brought some germs to the party on Saturday in addition to birthday wishes. Oh well, I would not change anything for the weekend I had. I can not live in a bubble. OK- Now I am exhausted again - back to sleep.

Monday, March 17, 2008

What an incredible weekend

It is Monday night and I am still on a high from an incredible weekend. On Saturday, three great friends had a birthday party for me. It was so nice to see so many people that I care about and have made an impact in my life. When everyone sang happy birthday to me, I was overwhelmed because I do not remember ever having that many people sing happy birthday to me. I could go on and on about the generosity of my friends with their gifts and I will cherish each one. I had people from every walk of my life join me for the party; college friends, co-workers, friends from church and several friends I have met along the way. It is actually a little scary when people from different areas of your life meet. You are a little afraid of the embarrassing stories they will tell each other. We played Pin the Tail on the Donkey and they had a piƱata that I was able to whack and take out some aggression.

As you can tell from my last blog, I had a rough night on Saturday and I woke up with an asthma attack and was coughing a lot. Saturday morning I made the mistake of taking my cough medicine at the same time of my regular morning meds. I ate breakfast and then I started to feel queasy. All of a sudden I sneezed and that was it. I barely made it to the bathroom before I threw up my breakfast. I was so frustrated because I was looking forward to the party and did not want to feel bad for it.

I also debuted my new wig for the party. Friday afternoon, my awesome friend Jen and I went wig shopping. I tried on several wigs and found one that was just "me". I was able to broker a deal and got a great price on it. I was a little nervous about it, but one of the reasons for wanting it was an event that was taking place on Sunday and I did not want to wear a hat or scarf.

Sunday was my actual birthday and it started with a friend calling me and wishing me happy birthday. I then went to church and a fabulous brunch at a friend’s house. The best part of the weekend was Sunday night. About three weeks ago I found out that Sheryl Crow was coming to PAZO (an awesome Tapas restaurant in Baltimore) for a fundraiser for the Ulman Cancer Foundation for Young Adults. I looked into the concert details and found out the seats were $400 each or through a company sponsorship. Since I somehow had never heard of the Ulman foundation I did a little research on the web and found that they are located right in my back yard (Columbia). As I was browsing their website I saw a link for young adults with cancers or survivors to apply for a scholarship to go to the concert. When I looked into the application I noticed that they were due on March 3rd. It is a good thing I have a fax machine at home, because it was 7pm on Monday, March 3rd when I saw the information and started filling out the form. I was sure I was too late to make the deadline, but filled it out anyway. I faxed my application around 8:30 and the following Friday I got the most awesome news that I received one of the scholarships – two tickets!!! I was feeling pretty poorly that day with my bronchitis, but it made my day.

Well yesterday, my friend picked me up and we drove to the city. We was given access to the area right in front of the stage. They had two opening acts and when I saw someone from the foundation I went to say hi. I was told there was a surprise in store for me. After the first opening act - Cancer Dancers from New York ( the MC talked about the sponsors of the event and shared that one sponsor felt they could not fill all the seats and wanted to donate tickets for 10 young adults with cancer or survivors to attend the event. They called all the scholarship recipients to the education table and said they were going to take a picture. After meeting some incredible ladies that are surviving cancer we were told that they are taking us on the bus to meet Sheryl Crow.

Can you believe it???? Me, just a crazy hippie girl was going to meet Sheryl Crow. It was so surreal. She is so nice and she remembered my name and that it was my birthday. They took our picture and after talking for a minute or so I floated off the bus to tell my friend that I actually met her.

Now, I am sure you are saying "what an incredible birthday, can it get an better?" Well, indeed it can. I was about 15 feet from the stage Sheryl Crow came on for her act. During the first song I went up close to the stage and smiled at her. I really believe that she saw me and smiled back. After a couple of songs, Sheryl talked about the scholarship recipients that she was able to meet just before the show. And then unbelievably she said that two of the people she met had birthdays today and she said my name and that of my new friend Suzanne. We raised our hands and then Sheryl Crow started singing happy birthday to me. Just the day before I was amazed to hear 40 of my friends sing to me; and then the next day Sheryl crow and 300 other people sang Happy Birthday to me. WOW - I think I am still floating.

After an awesome set including several new songs from her new album “Detours” ( she ended her performance with an oldie. I was able to meet a few of the ladies I met while waiting to get on Sheryl's tour bus and we went out for a drink. PAZO had such good drinks and food. I don't remember the last night I so much to drink and I was a little tipsy, but the whole night was so fun. I wore a new red dress with a scarf I bought in Italy and my new hair. I was told many times that I looked great. I think sometimes in your life you just need something like this to give you a pick you up. I am starting treatment again this week and this is just what I need to give me the energy to get through it.

It is 24 hours after I got home from the fundraiser and I am still on a natural high. I could not sleep in this morning because I was still so excited. I kept telling everyone today that "I MET SHERYL CROW". Can you believe it? I could not have asked for such a great birthday weekend. Thank you to all those who made it possible for me to have such an incredible weekend.

Well, I need to get some sleep and I wan to post this before my laptop battery is going to die. More later - Alli

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Breath in....Breath out...Relax

It has been almost a week since I have been wide awake at 2:30am. I just woke up with a coughing/wheezing/asthma attack and needed to take some meds and monitor my breathing for a little bit.

I hate the sensation of waking up in the middle of an asthma attack. I am sound asleep and some where in my consciousness I realize I am coughing and gasping for air. For those of you who have even been around me when I wake up of first thing in the morning, I am very groggy at first and can be indignant second.

So when I woke up to night I am trying hard to breath between the coughing fists at the same time just trying to grasp on whether this is real or am I still dreaming.

Then comes the dosing of the inhaler and tonight a doze of the vile cough syrup and now I am to relax to see what happens with the breathing to determine next steps.

I have this special teddy bear, which is filled with herbs, lavender, buck shells, seeds etc. It is called a toasty teddy because he going in the microwave to heat up. I heated him up and he is resting on my shoulder. The warmth and the aroma is very calming. I love to take naps with him when I have a cold or allergies. I did of course have to get past the concept of putting a teddy bear in the microwave. I place him in a pillowcase, just in case there are any food spills or smells.

Asthma attacks in the middle of the night are hard and for some reason for me very common. This is probably one of the only times I regret living alone. These attacks are scary and you really want someone with you. They can also monitor how the breathing is going a bit better than I can. And the scariest benefit is that person can help determine if the breathing is not getting better in the allotted time and I need to go to the hospital. I have a moment a couple of weeks ago when I was still in the throws of the bronchitis that I really thought I would need to go to the hospital and most likely would drive myself. Luckily the meds worked and all was well.

The meds are working tonight as well and I very tired to I am going to sign off and try to get more sleep.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Late night creativity

Wow - Two blogs within the same week!! I am sure some of you are surprised. Remember: I can not be held responsible if you fall off your chair in shock and sustain injuries. If you have not checked the post for a while, make sure you scroll down to the posting from last week.
After I wrote my blog the other night, I spent some time selecting and cropping some pictures I have taken of flowers in my gardens of years past and sent them to Costco to be printed at 3am. On Saturday I was able to go pick up the prints and I framed them. I am going to hang them on my wall in my bedroom. I have been meaning to do this for over a year, but for some reason never had the right urge. I will try to post a few up on the blog as well.

When I told my acupuncturist about my late night activities; He said that the middle of the night is when the liver is most active and when we are most creative. I am not sure if there is a connection between the liver and creativity, but I can certainly see a connection between late nights and creativity. I have been knitting hats lately. Well not really knitting, I am using a knitting hoop. I try to find time in the evenings, but lately I have such hard time sleeping through the night I have found that is a good time to knit and it helps. I think the whole thing with being creative in the middle of the night is that I can focus on that one thing and not have my mind jump all over the place like it does during the day. Maybe that is why I seem to be better at blogging at night.

Now as much as I enjoy these creative spurts, I am sick and tired of being awake in the middle of the night. I worked from 9:30-3:30 today, went to the Dr and then to physical therapy. By the time I got home at 7:15 I was exhausted. Not sure if that is what my doctor calls taking it easy and only working half days. I ended up falling asleep on the couch from 8-9:30 and now I can't fall asleep at all. It is so frustrating. I talked to my Dr about it today and I am going back on the other sleeping pill. It helps me go to sleep right away and keeps me from waking up through out the night. Unfortunately it takes a couple of days for my system to adjust to the medicine before I feel its full effect. I guess that is why I am typing this at midnight

I am trying to figure out if there is a connection with my liver and not being able to sleep. Is the liver just being annoying to my body and keeping it awake? Or is it that the big fat tumors in the liver have something to do with? If so, I can add not sleeping to my list of million reasons why Cancer sucks, I think I am somewhere around #27,886.

Does the tumor sit around and say? "OK I have not caused any problems lately, how about I rear my ugly head up around 2 am, affect her sleep and cause her back pain...ha..ha..ha!" Maybe it is not a good idea if I give the cancer/tumors voices and words, but sometimes I imagine the cancer cells saying things like "Wooo. A new organ that has no cancer!! I better stake my claim before someone else does." That makes me think a little bit too much about how the mid-west was settled. I do however, have this PAC Man image of the cancer cells eating up my blood cells and depleting my bone marrow. Remember how the video game would give extra points for eating so much and if you at a special icon you got bonus points. I wonder if they consider the bone marrow the bonus points while they hunt down all the blood cells. I wonder which has more points: red or white blood cell??? And most importantly do I have any defenses that act like the ghosts that kill the PAC Man? If so, how many lives do the Cancermen get and can we get them to stop reproducing. I need to see a rule book. Wow - that train of though really took an interesting turn. Apparently I just decided that I have a PAC Man game going on inside my body - Weird.

Now I am imagining what the cancer cells look like. Do the "settlers" have cowboy hats on and hold little flags to stab in the organ to show they have staked claim to that area. I also think whatever PAC Man defenses I have should wear gloves and a hospital masks for protection. I am little creeped out where my thoughts went tonight. I guess that should be the end of my ranting for this evening.

Let's hope I get to sleep soon or I may end up sorting my sock drawer and organizing it by something weird like color, texture or size or worse I may start sketching out what I think the cancer characters in my body look like and say. Yikes! I really need to get back on a good sleep schedule. I am going to start repeating my new mantra.

You are getting very sleepy, You are getting very sleepy, You are getting very sleepy....

Saturday, March 8, 2008

In Like a Lion...

There is a saying about March "In like a lion and out like a Lamb". Well March for me has definitely come in roaring like a lion and not in a good way. I was feeling a little better last weekend and did a couple small things including going to the movies, but mostly I was continuing my doctor imposed bed rest. On Monday I went back to work. I was to work part-time (half days) this week and full time starting 3/10. Monday I went into work around 11am. I did sleep to 9:30 so one would think I would be good to go for 4 hours. Between taking a shower, getting dressed, driving to work, and just sifting through the stuff on my desk, I was ready for a nap at 12:30. I left work at 3:30 and came home and took a nap.

The sunny Tuesday morning started as though it was going to be a good day, but life can be tricky that way. I was in a meeting and started to cry and had to leave the room to compose myself. It does not matter that I felt a little ambushed by the meeting participants or that we were going off topic, and I asked to step back a little to the whole purpose of the meeting. The point is that I HATE to cry. I might as well have gone into the meeting naked.

Crying has always been a hard thing for me. I am not saying I can't cry like Carmen Diaz's character in "The Holiday". I am just the opposite. Over the last year I feel like all I do is cry. I have several friends that tell me crying is healthy and that is alright to cry in front of them or even with them. I have gotten to the point that I will cry with friends, my doctors, therapists, etc, but to me crying at work is just not acceptable.

So basically Tuesday sucked. I was emotionally drain went I got home and when I checked the mail I received all these forms I need to fill out for my short term disability, FMLA, medical reimbursements, etc. It is almost a full time job, just dealing with the paperwork of being sick. I was feeling a little better Tuesday night when I went to bed. I am still having problems sleeping. I usually can fall asleep without a problem, but I wake up an hour or so later and then every couple hours throughout the night. For some reason I tend to be wide awake for a couple of hours somewhere around 2 and 5am. Not the most fun time of the day. Anyway, Tuesday night I woke up around 4:30 with a horrible coughing fit that turned into an asthma attack. I was having so much problem breathing; I thought a trip to the ER was immanent. Thankfully the inhaler and cough syrup worked and my breathing go better and I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep.

On my way to acupuncture Wednesday morning, the Check Engine light in my car came on. For those of you who know the story about how my last Forester died, you will know that the Check Engine light strikes the fear of God in me since the last time it reared its ugly head, my engine seized up and stopped on the side of 695 on a Sunday morning. This is why I still have a car payment and a one year old car. After I left acupuncture I tracked down my mom at her Bridge group in Ellicott City, switched cars with her so I could drive into work. I called the Subaru service department and they told me not to panic. They said that it sounds like an emissions issues (aka loose gas cap) and that as long as the car is driving fine and the light is not blinking, the car is OK to drive. They suggested taking the gas cap off and on and see if it resolves itself.

Thursday morning it seemed like everything was AOK, since the Check Engine light was no longer on. Unfortunately, after driving around for about 30 minutes the light went back on. So on top of everything else I need to do next week I will be taking my car into service.

I had another coughing attack Wednesday night so I went back to the doctors Thursday morning. She said that if looks like I have another infection (or the other one never went fully away) and she but me back on antibiotics, another asthma med (pill form this time) and told me to stay home in bed for Thursday and Friday. She also said that I am not to go back to work fulltime on Monday, but to stay half time for two weeks. When I left the doctor's office I was going to go to work anyway since I was scheduled to teach a class that afternoon. I am not sure whether it was me starting to drive to the wrong office or just coming to my senses, but I realized that the training class can be rescheduled and I should be a good patient, follow the doctor's orders and go home to bed and that is what I did.

I have been feeling OK yesterday and today as long as I take it easy. I was able to get some work done from home (while bundled up on the couch) so I felt productive and I am feeling better as long as I drink lots of fluids and take my nasty vile tasting cough syrup regularly.

Now that I have recapped the week we come to the real problem. It is 1:23 am and I am wide away. I only had a 30 minute nap so it is not like I got too much sleep today. I am exhausted, but I laid in bed from 11:00 - 12:45 trying to fall asleep and nothing happened. Earlier I was lying on the cough nodding off watching a movie so I decided to go to bed at 10:30. I don't what happened on the 20 feet walk to my bedroom, but by the time I brushed my teeth and took my meds I was wide awake. Being awake in the middle of the night seems like one of the cosmic jokes that is played on us. I am wide awake, but all my friends are sound asleep so there is no one to come over and keep me company or talk to me until I can fall asleep. This week between 11pm and 6am I have done over 15 crossword puzzles, re-read the last Harry Potter book and watched really bad TV when I would rather be sleeping.

Thus it has not been a great first week of March. I can only hope that it gets better and things get around to behaving like a sweet, gentle lamb. I am a little sick of sheep though, since I counted over 200 tonight trying to get to sleep. :) Oh well, enough rambling for tonight, hopefully this has tired out my brain enough for me to fall asleep. Stay tuned for more midnight rambling to come since that is the only time I seem to be inspired to blog. Take care and good night.