Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Sleep - essential but often elusive

So I lied. I promised to be better about blogging this year, but alas it seems I have been not updating very often. Life has been very chaotic. If you are paying any attention to the time of this post, I should be in dreamland, getting my much needed beauty sleep (age lines are appearing every day), but sleep is an elusive gift for me these days. There is nothing good on tv. I have read books, tried the meditation and stared at the ceiling. I could just continue to site in the dark crying and hope to fall or sleep like most nights. But tonight I decided that instead of lying in bed thinking of what I should write in my blog, I decided to make a good use of my time and actually get up and write it instead of counting off the minutes until shear exhaustion takes over, counting sheep gets boring or the alarm clock goes off.

Since I have not been updating my blog I have received many inquiries about how I am doing and the status of my treatments. I have been pretty vague in my responses just telling people that I am hanging in. The truth is life has pretty much sucked lately I am not seeing any immediate reprisal. One of my friends wrote in an email that they hope that I was riding the crest of the wave and not being pounded in the the surf. I thing that is an excellent analogy. That is how I have been feeling the last couple of weeks - being pounded into the sand by the surf. Every time I think I am getting a breath and getting out of the sea for a rest a new wave comes. Not all of these waves have anything to do with my cancer. Some of them are just normal life, but even normal life can be overwhelming.

Some of the misc things that have happened recently are:
  • One of my upstairs neighbors had a pipe break and water pouring in my ceiling. Luckily I got home while the plumber and restoration crew was still there. I now have a hole in the ceiling and I am waiting for the Condo Management to approve the estimate so the repairs can be done. In the meantime I am trying to have a warm house without losing my heat through an un-insulated living room with very expensive heat costs.
  • I pulled several muscles in my back - probably rolling over in bed. I spent the holiday weekend in bed and now I am going to physical therapy. Like I needed more medical appointments in my life.
  • The AC adaptor for my laptop died and the battery was also dead, which equaled no computer at home for several days last week.
In themselves these are seem small things and even as I type them I start to laugh, but do you remember the story about the camel and the straw?

So in short I am really struggling and for the first time in a long while am feeling very lost. I am having a difficult time praying and can not feel God's presence in my life. For those of you who believe in a higher power I would like to ask for your help and your prayers. In this time that I am unable to pray, I ask that will pray for me or send a few extra prayers for me. That I may feel comfort, obtain guidance and a sense of peace and most of all sleep.
I thank you for your good thoughts and support I could not have gotten this far without all of you behind me.

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