Tuesday, December 4, 2007

We think in generalities, but we live in details.

Today I said hello and goodbye to my lunch in about an hour. I have not vomited in a little over a week, so I guess I was getting a little cocky with only being nauseous and actually keeping my food down. Well no more, back to herbal tea and plain scrambled eggs at lunch. No more bacon for me. Oddly, I have been craving salty meat lately. I usually appreciate that the office toilets are automatic flushing, but it can be a bit of a pain in the ass when it self flushes when you are in mid-puke and you try not to be sprayed in the face with toilet water. YUK! I find it is one of the those times it is hard to multi-task.

I am not really looking forward to chemo this afternoon, but I had a wonderful dream last night about a Christmas miracle. I think I might be spending too much time watching the Hallmark Network 21 day’s of Christmas, but I had a dream that my cancer went into remission, found a man that loved me (earthiness and all) and I had a baby. Even more miraculous is that somehow with my tumor riddled ovaries and uterus I gave birth to a baby girl. I don’t know if it is even possible, but I rarely have dreams like that which have not come true. I never wanted to have children until this past March and then it dawned on me one day that I really did want to fall in love and be a mom. That realization pretty much knocked my socks off and when I received by diagnosis this summer I thought it was one of the universes big jokes that that hope and desire was taken away after not wanting it for so many years. But who knows, all things are possible, right? I told you I was watching all those sappy Christmas movies.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Never Alone

The first week of the new regimen of treatment went pretty well. I am tired, but no where near as tired as I was the past couple of weeks. The chemo did not hit me as hard even though I had it twice last week. I was nauseous both times, but did not have any vomiting. YIPPEE!!!! They upped my radiation to 4 times a week, but I only have 7 more sessions after today. My chemo on Tuesday’s is only one drug, but Friday’s is a combination of two. Friday’s chemo seemed to hit me more on Sunday that Saturday. This seems to go with the doctor’s original thought that the 2nd day after treatment would be my more tired day. I am not usually one to count down the treatments, but maybe because I can see the end of the tunnel for the year I feel the need to check them off. I only have 6 more chemo treatments for 2007.

This morning I went to the memorial service for my friend that passed away from breast cancer last month. It was very hard and I cried most of the way through the service. The songs really got to me. Maybe it is because I love to sing that the songs get to me the most. It is not fair that Cancer strikes so many people at a young age. She was one of the strongest people I knew. She fought her cancer with dignity and grace that she did everything in her life. People tell me that I am strong and that I am a role model to them. I do not believe that I am any stronger than anyone else. I am who I am. I think we all have challenges in our lives and it is up to us how we choose to deal with them. I do not feel that I am fighting my cancer any different then you would and certainly not how Pam did. I learned many lessons from Pam and her fight with cancer and I hope to be able to follow in her footsteps. She always had a positive attitude and never stopped fighting and looking for the best out of life. I know that with all my many friends that are walking with me (two and four legged) on this journey, that I will be able to get through this.