Thursday, October 25, 2007

I Want More

I started a post yesterday talking what I have learned over the past couple of months and two things that I have tried to practice. They are Allowance and Acceptance. I did not get the post finished yesterday and today the only words I think of is Anger and Frustration.

This Radiation thing is kicking my butt. I am so tired every day, but most of all the radiation is pretty intense. With the old radiation I would get nauseous about two hours post radiation. Now I not only get nauseous, but now I vomit two –four times in the mornings. This is just not where I want to be centering my focus. Tomorrow is the start of the weekend and most of the world’s population is looking forward to it, I am not. I dread weekends…they are not any fun for me. I have other things I want to do. I started writing this post about how I thought I was coming to terms with my illness and I was using the experience to find out more about myself. I also figure that I am not a very strong person, but that I pull strength from the people around me who love and care for me.

But today I think that is all the PC bullshit. I Hate This. I don’t want to have Cancer. I want to have a real life. I am angry, and I am sad, and it is just not fair. Something happened this week with the bank that happens to all people, but it takes energy to deal with it and it is not over yet, but I do not have the energy to deal with it. It was the last thing on top of all the other things I was dealing with that I just did not need. Tuesday I went into work late, Wednesday I went home early. I know that I should be happy that I am able to work at all, but it not enough -- It Sucks – I Want More

A good friend of mine is moving in with his girlfriend next week. I am so happy that he has found someone to share his life with. He deserves it. He has challenges ahead, but he is happy and ready to tackle them. I so very excited for him, but dammit, I want that. That is what I want to be dealing with right now, instead of dealing with all of this crap. I want to fall in love. I want to be happy, I want to be working in my garden, I want to be camping, I want to be a potter, I want so many things, but most of I don’t want to have Cancer, I do not want to have the life I have now. Don’t get me wrong, I have many wonderful people in my life and in many ways it is enough, but I want more……

The tulip picture on the right was taken one spring morning on my way to work. I remember I was running out the door and I noticed the tulip dripping with dew and I remember thinking how beautiful it was. I ran back into the house and grabbed my camera. I love working in the garden. I planted those tulip bulbs in 2002 and it is one of the few that the chipmunks did not get to. Spring and Fall are my favorite seasons. Fall is my favorite for hiking and camping, but spring is my favorite for flowers. It is the best reminder that life renews itself every year after a deep sleep. I have titled the picture “Spring Will Come” because I truly believe my spring will come.

I spent last spring re-doing my back yard and I started to dig up the front garden. I was hoping finish up the work in the front and plant bulbs in the back this fall. But the Doctor has forbidden me to work in the yard and it I don’t know where the energy would come from if I tried. I am really disappointed, because there is nothing better than seeing the spring flowers fight their way through the cold weather and dark earth is a beautiful thing. I might not be able to finishing re-doing my gardens, but I guarantee I will be planting some bulbs to prepare for winter and ultimately welcome spring. It has always been hard to ask people for help, but now I am asking, if there is anyone that would like to play in the dirt with me next weekend to get a little gardening done to help prepare for spring, I would love to have your help.

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