Saturday, October 20, 2007

Chemotherapy sucks

Not a very original title for this morning’s post, but very true. I would like to meet the person who invented chemo and find out whether he/she actually had cancer and had to undergo treatment. Course this morning I might just throw up on their shoes. IT SUCKS BIG TIME. Last night was horrible and this morning is not much better.

I am exhausted. I went to bed early and every time I am about to fall asleep or just dozed off I could feel the urge to vomit and found myself running to the bathroom. Somewhere around midnight I just grabbed a pillow and blanket and laid down in the bathroom for a couple of hours, but did not get any sleep. If I was not vomiting it is coming out of the other end. Can’t they pick a drug the either causes nausea or diarrhea, but not both? I know I have a sensitive tummy, but I think they need to re-examine the anti-nausea drugs. I am so dehydrated, but I can keep down much water or ginger ale at this point. I have a horrible headache and I feel as though I have the worst hang over, but I did not have the joy of the party.

I am so not enjoying life today. I am trying to do my yoga breathing and imagine myself in a better place. I remember being at the top of Nevada Falls in Yosemite, kayaking with the whales in the San Juan Islands in Washington States, hiking in the beautiful green rain forest in Olympia, walking in Tuscany or visiting the Forum in Rome, sitting on the rocks in Monterey, cooking a sumptuous dinner or sitting at the pottery wheel and taking a lump of clay and making something beautiful. These are all great memories and I look forward to making more, but it is a struggle to look past the pain of today. I know I have had wonderful opportunities to visit these magnificent places, but it is not enough. I want more…..I am not done living.

I had to reschedule my appointment with the pain management specialist on Thursday to deal with the results of the latest tests. (It is easier to refer it to that then to say the spread of the disease). I am in a lot of pain today. It does not help to be leaning over the porcelain throne all night.

I was able to sleep a little this morning and Oscar visited me in my dream. I know it was his way of encourage me to keep strong and to remind me he is with me. When I woke up I could still feel the warmth of him on my forehead and the tear damp in my eyes. I remembered all the times we laid forehead to forehead as we slept. He truly was the love of my life and I was honored to have him in my life for the four years he allowed me to love him.

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